your enchanting ghost
by fandrastic
Summary: she feels like she's won something. maybe she has. britta centric, j/b, j/a


**here's a britta-centric j/a fic. written for a prompt on milady/milord where jeff and britta get divorced. please, hold judgment until the end, and please review!**

**x**

**fandrastic**

* * *

><p>-x-<p>

**your enchanting ghost**

-x-

_don't carry on carrying efforts, oh no, oh  
>somewhere there's a room for each of us to grow<br>and if it pleases you to leave me, just go, oh  
>stopping you would stifle your enchanting ghost<br>_

_enchanting ghost – sufjan stevens_

-x-

Britta Perry was never the kind of girl who imagined her wedding day, detail by detail to her heart's content. From a young age, she spent her days imagining herself building schools in Vietnam, rescuing dogs from puppy mills, and single-handedly saving the ozone layer. She felt her life was so much bigger than her grandmother's filmy lace veil and gauzy bags of color-specific Jordan almonds. And you know what? She read that pretty soon, almost fifty percent of marriages would end in divorce. So there.

-x-

And okay maybe dropping out of high school wasn't great for backing up her strong convictions, and it was really hard to find even an entry level job without a diploma, and she just knew that her poor dead mother would hate her for doing this to her future, but you know what? Radiohead was revolutionary and maybe there's more to life than caps and gowns.

-x-

She gets tired of living out of her backpack—though it makes for great stories, so she goes to Adult Ed and gets her GED. She moves to New York and finds an awful apartment in Brooklyn (before it was hip, okay?), but it's hers and while the smell of waste management facility down the street isn't a selling point, that tiny closet of a flat is hers.

-x-

It gets to a point where not even the thought of going with Greenpeace to protest Japanese whaling thrills her anymore. She's built a well in Africa and rescued like four cats from her local shelter, but she can't afford New York anymore, so she moves back to Colorado. She works in a stupid themed diner for measly tips because she doesn't have any skills to find a real job and there are a lot of vet bills to pay, now that two of her cats have diabetes. And with the prices going up at her favorite organic farm market, she doesn't know how much longer she'll be able to stay a vegetarian.

It's just… she's almost thirty years old and has nothing to show for it.

-x-

Greendale is kind of like, her last hope. She's been putting off doing anything with her future because she's pretty sure she's going to mess it up, but then she has to put poor Tabby Joe down and her landlord threatening to kick her out and she's suddenly tired of sitting on the sidelines. She's signs up for Spanish, because do you have any idea how many people in the US are native Spanish speakers? and hopes that she won't fail, like she's failed so many things before.

-x-

Jeff Winger is _not_ her type.

He's like, in love with himself and his Lexus and his hair, and while his eagerness to get into her pants is kind of flattering, he definitely isn't her ideal. She normally goes for guys with active warrants and cryptic tattoos and while seem to be dangerous, are really sensitive deep down. Jeff Winger is a tall, painfully attractive collection of hair gel and designer jeans, and is everything that grates her the wrong way.

But soon she finds herself in an intro level Spanish with a whole swath of people that she'd normally never associate with, and well, it was kind of nice to be the sole reason why they were all in the study group together, thanks to his elaborate scheme to hook up with her.

-x-

She kisses him when he admits to struggling with his weird Dead Poets professor, and it's kind of great. They're not like, dating or anything, but Abed calls them the 'Greendale Parents', and the look Jeff gives her makes her stomach flip in a way that she hasn't felt since high school.

They don't talk about it afterwards, because well, they're adults. Not every kiss means true love.

-x-

He's roped into helping Annie on the debate team, and it's hilarious. Well, it'd be more hilarious if she wasn't on edge from trying to quit smoking. The hypnotherapy sessions aren't going so well, so she texts him. She knows he's stuck cramming with Annie, but that's never stopped him from texting her back before. But strangely enough, there are no replies. He's _always_ glued to his phone. The two of them must really be working hard.

She shows up early for the debate because Pierce is driving her crazy and she's curious to see what song Jeff's going to sing this time. As the debate progresses, she feels a little 'Greendale Parent-y' towards Annie, who has lost much of her stiff delivery, but the feeling vanishes when the petite brunette takes Jeff's face in her hands and kisses him, kisses him like a woman, and not like the eighteen year old girl she is.

She picked the wrong day to give up smoking.

-x-

He drives her fucking crazy, like… _all_ the time. Abed calls it sexual tension but everyone else in the group refers to it as childish bickering. Jeff grins at her and she narrows her eyes—he can tell she doesn't mean it.

So, when they have sex during paintball, neither of them, deep down, are really surprised.

The sex is as much of a competition as everything is between them, and when she comes first, she feels like she's won something. Maybe she has.

-x-

Out of everyone in the group, they're closest with each other, but that doesn't mean that they're together. And, when she admits her love for him in front of the entire school (whether or not it's really love is neither here nor there), he runs into the arms of his steadfast debate partner.

She doesn't find out for four months, and when she hears it, she wants to hate him, but can't.

-x-

They hook up in secret for the next year or so, and it's so different from paintball sex because he smiles at her, smiles a genuine smile he's never aimed at her before, and it's great because she's not a conventional girl, and this situation is definitely not conventional.

But Greendale is Greendale, and when the truth comes out so many months later, Annie's staring at her like she's… like she's…

Whatever. It doesn't matter because there's no Annie of it All.

Jeff looks tense.

They promise to stop having secret sex.

-x-

They lied.

-x-

She's just about to accept her diploma when the thought sort of knocks the wind out of her.

She's in love with Jeff.

Well, they've been through a lot, like crazy Greendale shenanigans and wow, remember that pregnancy scare at the end of last year? and she thinks maybe, just maybe she could spend the rest of her life with him. All she had to do is tell him.

They don't have to get married, and you know what? _no one _should be able to get married in this country until _everyone _can—oh and then the dean is calling her name and it's like when she passed her driving test and her first time getting arrested at a public rally, all mixed up into one. It's awesome and terrifying, and Jeff shoots her a smile that she feels like a punch in the gut.

-x-

They all meet at Morty's afterwards; because Jeff likes steak and Abed likes symmetry and even though a salad here costs like twenty bucks, Jeff's holding her hand under the table like they're teenagers and she can't bring herself to brush him off—even if she wanted to.

Annie's not there.

She's kind of bummed because Annie's been in this really weird funk lately, and she was hoping that a huge get-together after graduation would sort of put them all back on the right track. Annie told her offhandedly that she was meeting her parents for dinner, even though she remembers quite clearly the brunette telling her drunken confidence that she hadn't seen her dad since her parents' divorce at thirteen or her mom since she was disowned.

She doesn't have time to worry about Annie further because holy crap why is there a diamond in her arugula?

_Oh._

-x-

They get married two months later.

Shirley wants a church wedding and it's a testament to her self control that she doesn't wet her pants laughing.

They settle on a simple civil service at city hall, but consent to some lame, over-the-top ceremony at the Radisson just outside the city limits. It's supposed to be low-key, um were did those ice sculptures come from?, but she doesn't mind too much because wow, she's _married._

Annie shows up, smiling but looking tired, and even careful make-up application can't hide the dark circles under her wide eyes.

Annie hugs her loosely and smiles up at Jeff and holds a white envelope with their names written in her precise cursive. She admits she can't stay long, she's got a flight to catch, and the way Jeff's face falls ever-so-slightly would normally sound those warning bells in her head, but his fingers are threaded with hers and she's won.

Whoa, she hasn't felt that surge of defensive, competitive emotions around Annie in a long time, and it melts away just as quickly as the younger woman presses the envelope into her hands. She whispers a soft 'best wishes', and slips silently out of hotel, unbeknownst to an eagle-eyed Shirley.

But then the band strikes up—yes, Shirley got them a band—and she's being pulled gently onto the dance floor and Annie's the farthest thing from her mind.

-x-

The first year is nothing.

They banter constantly and the sex is great and they aren't bothered by the study group every single second of the day. It's awesome.

Abed shows up sometimes, opening the door to their condo like he owns the place—sometimes he stands there as if waiting for canned laughter—and more often than not, he's alone. He and Troy are still roommates, but the latter hardly shows up anymore. She wants to feel offended, but Abed says something about newlyweds and visitors, and it doesn't really make sense, or make her feel better.

Annie's moved out, and apparently works at some health care management place in Boulder. She has a new apartment and a new car and Abed sounds oddly proud and protective of her. Jeff makes a non-committal sound from behind his giant pile of case folders.

When Abed leaves, she pushes all the papers off the table and gives her husband a sly look before tackling him.

-x-

The second year is mixed.

Jeff is doing well back at his old firm, especially since Alan got fired off multiple sexual harassment charges, but she's not doing so well after all.

Apparently, psych majors are a dime a dozen, and getting any sort of legitimate work is like finding a needle in a haystack. She thinks about going back to school and finding a graduate program, because hey, maybe she'll finally be able to make something of herself.

Only Jeff chuckles condescendingly at her, telling her that Annie did most of her homework anyway, and it's like a slap in the face.

She hasn't thought about Annie in months, which is a little sad, but the younger woman had seemingly built a new life for herself in Boulder, a new life that technically meant cutting herself off from her friends, except for maybe Abed.

She doesn't speak to Jeff for a whole day, and makes him sleep on the couch, but when they make up, he kisses her sweetly (and does so much more) and she remembers exactly why she married him.

-x-

The third year is difficult.

Okay, so maybe she's not the most maternal of creatures, but she thinks she wants to at least think about thinking about having kids.

Jeff chokes on his protein shake and gapes at her.

They had talked about this, ever-so-briefly during their short engagement, discussed how Jeff was not interested in raising children, because being a lawyer was a lot of work and a lot of time away from home, and that he knew that she would resent being stuck home with a baby on her hip. At the time, she had whole-heartedly agreed. Babies were smelly and expensive theirs would probably get stuck with his stupid pointy face. He had tackled her after that remark.

But now, she's stuck between jobs and not going to school and the idea of having a baby, or adopting one—do you have any idea how many kids in this country need a proper home?—anyway, it sounds kind of great.

Jeff puts his foot down right away—he's trying to make partner, alright?—and assumes that's the end of the discussion. It's not.

The next day, she goes out and adopts an ailing, three-legged cat from her local animal shelter and names him Schmitty Winger. When she brings him back to their condo, he immediately throws up into Jeff's dress shoes.

She doesn't clean it up.

-x-

The fourth year is rough.

Jeff's at work _a lot_. He's finally made partner, but seems to stay late every night, prowling for new cases to take. They're doing pretty well financially, which is nice because it's one less thing for her to worry about.

She's taking a few online classes and volunteering at the animal shelter when she learns that there's some illegal whaling happening up in Alaska. It's like a jolt of electricity to her spine, and when she books a flight to Anchorage on their joint credit card, she doesn't even feel bad.

She's gone three weeks and just _barely_ avoids a misdemeanor charge, but she feels like herself again, feels like the Britta Perry that always tried to save the world. It's wonderful.

When she returns home, Jeff looks exhausted. It's almost like seeing him for the first time. He… he doesn't look like the man she fell in love with and married, he looks like a shade of his former self.

With a sickening feeling in her gut, she wonders if she looks the same way to him.

She can't help the sobs that form in her throat, and when Jeff pulls her into his arms, she knows that things will never be the same.

-x-

There is no fifth year.

Jeff makes sure she gets much more than her fair share in the divorce.

She keeps the condo and the new car and has enough money if she wants to go back to school. He's still got his Lexus and his savings and since Troy moved out a year ago, he's temporarily staying with Abed until further arrangements can be made.

They part on fairly good terms. Before everything happened, they were best friends, each other's sanity in the mess that was Greendale Community College, and while they probably can't reclaim that same connection, they still don't want to lose each other for good.

She cries a couple times, throws a couple dishes, and then she's… she's okay. Things were bad for a while and they both deserved better. She wasn't abused, or cheated on, and for that she's grateful.

The first person she calls is Annie. She's not really sure why.

The younger woman is twenty seven now, but sounds just the same over the phone as the day they met each other. Annie sounds heartbroken at the news and cries for her, which makes tears prick her own eyes, and offers to drive out to Greendale to be with her. Politely declining, she tells her that maybe she should be with Jeff instead.

_Oh._

So maybe she didn't mean for the words to come out like that, but once they hang in the air between them, it slowly hits her that it kind of, sort of… fits.

But Annie is silent.

She'd been married long enough to realize that relationships aren't about competition—no one _won_ in a marriage. So while yeah, she was probably going to need some serious therapy once the divorce was finalized, she was secure enough in herself to admit that she and Jeff weren't made for each other.

But maybe someone else was.

Annie's voice sounds distant as she turns down any visits to Greendale, citing meetings and appointments and other polite fallacies to make them both feel like she wasn't making a move on her ex-husband, despite the awkward blessing.

Maybe she needs the therapy now.

-x-

The sixth year is better.

She and Jeff are friends again, close enough to rely on one another, but without the strain of sexual tension. He's got a cheap little apartment, but tells her he's saving for a house, which is pretty weird. Buying a house was never something they had discussed, and it dawns on her that even though she was married to him, she doesn't know everything about Jeff Winger.

She's been seeing Troy lately, who had also gone back to school to try and pin-point what exactly his dream career was. She falls for him quick—much faster than she fell for Jeff, and wonders if the younger man knew all along. She'll never forget the fact that he waited for her, and agrees to move in with him before he even finishes his sentence.

Shirley and Andre are expecting their fourth child, a baby girl whose name is going to be Anna, and Pierce has already burned through wives eight and nine. Abed is studying film at the Film Studies School at CU-Boulder. He's staying in the spare room at Annie's apartment and visits Troy on the weekends.

They all get together to celebrate her first post-divorce birthday, and even Annie comes down from Boulder to visit. She and Troy get really drunk, which is good because then she's too sloshed to see the oddly reverent look on Jeff's face when he finally spots Annie in the doorway at The Red Door. She hugs everyone but him, Abed quotes some line from _The Village_ about Sigourney Weaver and William Hurt and 'she loves you because she never touches you', and Annie orders a scotch.

She can't help but laugh sadly at that.

-x-

She's busy knitting some new blankets for the animal shelter when Jeff uses his key to enter their old condo. Startled, she drops a stitch and glares at him, but the look melts away when she sees the serious look on his face.

"I… wanted you to know… that I loved you, Britta."

It's a strange way to start a conversation, especially since he's saying things she already knows.

"I know," she answers curiously, "you don't have to prove that to me anymore."

He runs a hand down his face and man, he still looks so drained. It's upsetting to see him like this, but he's not deterred.

"I loved you when we were married, I loved only you."

Tears form in her eyes, because he's being so honest with her and you know, he's not an honest guy by nature. Nodding, she holds out her hand for him to take, and he does so, joining her on the sofa.

"C'mon Jeff, what's going on?"

He lets out a shaky breath, and oh, she can almost tell what's coming.

"The last thing I want to do… is hurt you again," he says, leaning his head against the back of the couch and closing his eyes, "but I can't… I mean, it's just…"

"You're in love with Annie."

The words hang there in the air and he sort just melts where he is, a combination of surrender and the release of tension.

"Yeah."

And that's it.

She's been half-expecting it for a while now, and knows somewhere in the back of her mind, that if things had been different years ago, it could have been his ring on Annie's finger instead of her own.

It hurts—there's no getting around that, but this isn't her ex-husband telling her he's interested in someone new, this is her _best friend_, coming to her, her above all people, because he's in love and trusts her with his feelings, trusts her to help him make the right decision. The hurt sort of dissolves into acceptance, and the part of her heart that used to desire him and only him, is filled with the warmth of friendship, and she pulls him close in what she hopes is a comforting manner.

"Then," she wets her lips with a soft sigh, "then you should go for it."

No more words pass between them for a long moment, and Jeff presses an apologetic kiss to her temple before rising to leave.

When Troy shows up half an hour later, there are tears in her eyes, and when he worriedly asks if she's alright, she smiles genuinely, despite moisture in her eyes, and nods.

-x-

Schmitty Winger dies peacefully in his sleep, resting against Troy's chest as she tries her best not to cry. They'd been expecting it for some time now, what with the kidney failure and the diabetes and the double cataracts. Schmitty was in bad shape, but she knew he was in a better place now.

She calls Jeff, because even though he hated that damned feline, Schmitty was sort of like the last remainder of their fleeting marriage.

Annie picks up after the second ring and even though it's not too much of a surprise for her to answer Jeff's phone anymore, it's still a little jarring. At least she doesn't sound blissed-out or groggy from napping next to Jeff—he turned a _lot_ in his sleep—and thankfully hands the phone to Jeff before things get awkward.

Jeff is quiet on the line for a few moments, and apologizes for the loss of the cat, saying that despite Schmitty's propensity to barf in his shoes, he was still a pretty good cat.

And maybe it's because she's just like, really emotional, but she kind of takes his words as, 'you know what Britta, even though we drove each other fucking crazy, we still had a pretty good time together'.

She smiles wistfully and nods, and even though Jeff can't hear her, she's pretty sure he gets it too.

-x-

_the end_

-x-

* * *

><p><em>so please, let me know what you thought of this! each time I post, I try to do something different, so hopefully this was enjoyable for all!<em>

_x_

_fandrastic_


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